“In the name of God — go!”*

Seriously, shove off out of it, you swines.

No, I’m not talking about Israel having another pop at the Lebanese. I’m not even supporting the dismissal of the Long Parliament – I’m sat here twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the Act of Union to be over and done with, so we can have an English parliament without a bunch of Scottish MPs cluttering it up and making a bloody nuisance of themselves.

It would appear that the bulk of Scotland is in favour of going off and being “Scotland” again, and I think Wales would rather like to do the same, given an Assembly with slightly more teeth and some members who might be capable of actually forming a coalition, rather than just talking about it (Although I think if they go, they’d better go good and hard, because it’ll be a logistical nightmare to just give them the old Principality back and try to re-militarise Ludlow – can you imagine trying to corner a tank at the traffic lights above the Feathers?)

I personally would like to see the whole thing come to bits because I’m not a fan of, eg, Top-up fees, the legislation for which only came through because the Scottish MPs – who knew damn well it wouldn’t affect them – voted in favour of it. If they’d not been there then the whole thing would’ve got defeated by the English MPs – who it would affect – and who knew damn well it was a daft idea. I’d like a break-up that left a Welsh and Scottish representation in Westiminster on a purely national level (which is to say something that leads to Trevor McDonald saying “Mr. Ben Jones, MP for Wales today joined forces with his Scottish counterpart Mr. Jock McTavish to protest against the under-representation of their two vast constituencies in British politics.”) I think that would balance things out a bit. And England can put an representative for England into the Scottish Parliament and another into the Welsh Assembly.

After all, in the whole run-up to the local elections we’re told that there’s going to be huge moves for devolution, and now it seems to have gone a bit quiet. I’m probably missing something, but I can’t find much in the news to say, eg, “Her Majesty has today called for the re-appointment of the Prince Bishops to the seats of Durham and Chester in what has been seen as the first move towards defending England from the secessionist Celtic republics of Scotland and Wales…”

Which is a shame. Because, apart from anything else, (including the fact that nobody much wants to be in the Union anymore) I don’t think it would do much harm. I can’t imagine we’re going to revert to border raids if we say “actually the UK was a nice idea at one point, but it’s now looking a bit feeble, let’s put an end to it,” and I’m fairly sick of living in the only bit of the Union that’s left without representation at what we might call the National level. Sure, I can vote for a MP who can go off and be with lots of other MPs, but where’s my AM, hmm?

And, quite apart from anything else, ‘God Save the Queen,’ as the national anthem of the UK is frankly pants when you compare it to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ (or, even, to be fair, ‘I vow to thee, my country’).

I’m assuming, mind you, that a break-up would be nice and amicable, and without closed borders and checkpoints and things. I’m imagining, here, more of a “separate beds” thing than an “acrimonious divorce with obscenities scratched into the bonnets of the ex’s car at midnight,” but I’m fairly confident we can manage that. I admit Wales might be a bit shakey (If we see Scotland as the wife in the break-up I’m fairly sure Wales is the child that always suffers, if only because after 700-odd years it’d be a damn big shock to suddenly get put outside with a suitcase full of toys and told to get on with it) but I reckon it’s worth a go. Anyone who really hates the idea can move to one of the other places and we can see if we can all still be friends. It’s got to be worth a go.

It’s just a thought, but I’m all for it. I’m not, really, in favour of the Regicide, but I will grant that he was good at stirring up trouble. (So, of course, was Leo Amery, so I can probably claim to be quoting him). Speaking as a pro-devolutionist, therefore, and working on the assumption that we can still meet up for coffee and things without sniping about who used to steal all the metaphorical duvet each time we bump into one another at a party, let’s have some of that dissolving, shall we?

You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing lately…. Depart, I say; and let us have done with you. In the name of God,—go!

Well, that’s enough making a nuisance of myself; I should go do an afternoon’s work…

*Or “Don’t stuff your head up with things you don’t understand

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  1. On May 22, 2007 Statto says:

    Could you write that out again explaining all the totally obscure bits?!

    Even with Wikipedia links, I’m having trouble following some of the more weird fragments of history you’re quoting…